Family Constellation and Sexuality

How Family Constellation helps in the area of “Sexuality”

In both couples’ seminars and Tantra groups for singles, it is evident that there is a widespread “lack of sexual lust.” Some people feel completely cut off from their sexual energy. Sometimes violence experienced during childhood or later lies behind this blockade.  In many cases, however, the dynamic points to the family system. 

Possible systemic causes for sexual blockages, unpleasure, inability to be part of a relationship or relate:

The early death of relatives where there was a deep inner connection

If an important person in the family has died early (eg. the mother of a three-year-old child, an uncle, a sibling, etc.) we see in constellations that a person is “pulled” more strongly to the side of the dead than to the side of the living representatives of his family. These connections are generally subconscious and are brought to the light of day through the family constellation process. To live sexuality means to open to the “here and now,” again and again. However where there is a stronger dynamic towards a beloved relative who has passed away, this is either not possible or only very minimally possible.

Death in childbed

Death in childbed was a more frequent experience in previous generations. Women, and sometimes the newborn children, died during childbirth. Death in childbed creates a deep impact on some descendants, sometimes even two or three generations later. “Beware of sexuality! Sexuality leads to pregnancy. Pregnancy leads to death!” This can be the subconscious message which pulsates through the family system, reaching those who are linked or connected with the fate of the ancestor. This may cause women to stay away from sexuality completely and remain childless. If the reluctance to sexuality is found in a male descendant, it is also out of love. Subconsciously, by refraining from sexuality he wants to prevent the woman from dying. Once the correlation is established, this difficult fate can be left where it belongs. The identification with an ancestor’s fate is cleared and the person can now be free for his/her own.

Nuns, priests, singles in the family

A young, very pretty woman came to a Family Constellation session. Her issue: “I can’t find a guy/partner!” Nobody could really believe it and so she explained: “Of course, there are many men who are interested in me. And everything goes fine for a few weeks. All’s fine, that is, until the issue of sexuality can no longer be avoided. I have never had sex with a man. I cannot! Because I’m so pretty, men stay around, naturally hoping that this might change after a while. In the end they leave after all.” When we looked at her family system, it turned out that her favourite aunt was a nun. The young woman visits her regularly at the convent. When she speaks of her, her eyes shine. It becomes obvious that, out of love for this aunt and her lot in life, the young lady is renouncing sexuality and family herself. A deep, blind and childlike love connects her with her aunt, as if she could help her to carry her heavy burden by following suit. Although she doesn’t join the convent, she lives in a very cloistral way. “Yes,” she adds, “I meditate all day long!” Through the constellation work the connection to the aunt can be revealed in full clarity. That which she had taken upon herself can be given back. All is clear for a new start. The love for the aunt may remain in a “cleansed” form. It even becomes a blessing which very much desires that she have a successful partnership. Soon after this family constellation the young woman entered her first loving relationship.

Sometimes even the inner connection with an aunt or great aunt who stayed single is enough to make one unable to have a partnership (see below: inability to relate)

Like brother and sister

A young couple comes to counselling, cooing and whispering sweet nothings to each other. They would like to have a constellation using small figures to gain new insight into their partnership. They appear to be so in love that one actually wonders what they are doing here. “We love each other very much!” both confirm, glowing. “We have been together for years. But there’s just no sexuality between us, which we find strange. That’s why we are here.” In a genogram (a type of family tree) we record all family members. As soon as the question about her siblings comes, the woman starts crying. Her favourite brother died in an accident when he was 25. It turns out that she got together with her partner when he was 25. In the Family Constellation with figures it becomes plain that with her partner she wanted to get her brother back. So she loves her partner with all her heart und very dearly, like a sister her brother. After resolving this projection the woman starts to see the man. The brother can be mourned and have his own place. In the family of the man there are similar entanglements which led him to look for a woman with whom sexuality is not possible. These examples show clearly how little chance a couple has when Family Constellation is not included in the Tantra work.

When lacking the ability to relate

The Tantra seminars for singles profit from Family Constellation in a special way. Again and again we use constellations to look at the ability to relate through a magnifying glass. Sometimes even small impulses of a two-person constellation, or a diagnosis constellation, can get something moving. Often a person who cannot commit is already or still committed. Then the question arises of to whom he/she is committed. Where possible, this bind can be loosed in love and respect. Very rarely is it a previous partner who is still taking the “invisible” place at his/her side. Most of the time it is a person of the family of origin who occupies this place. It could the young man wanting to “help” his grandmother who was overwhelmed with having to raise three children on her own after becoming a war widow. Others take the place at their mother’s side after she had been left by the father. A woman could also have had an uncle who was killed in action by her side. These binding connections become obvious through Family Constellation in Tantra seminars for singles, and are deeply moving. In Tantra seminars which last several days there are often more thorough constellations.